Warrior Kids of Alaska : September 2018

JASTEN, 14, Anchorage, AK | Suicide Survivor
written by his mother, Michell
photographed by Laura Stennett Photography

Jasten was born into a very loving family and was extra loved by his Omi (my mother). They were best of buddies and together as much as possible. His Omi taught him so many things: cooking, crafting, making cakes, and basically anything he wanted to learn. They had an annual fishing trip every year with just the two of them and would take off for a weekend of camping and fishing. They came home with the best memories and the biggest smiles. Every holiday we would have at Omi's house. She was always trying new things to make each holiday special. She introduced him to the world of motorcycles. He even learned to pull himself to his feet using his 3ft tall toy motorcycle.

On July 16, 2015, Jasten and I found his Omi after she completed suicide. That day his world was tipped upside down. His best friend was gone, but the last images of her wouldn't leave his mind. He felt so much guilt thinking if he would have just told her one more time he loved her or spent more time with her, she would have known how loved she was and would not have taken her own life. His anger, guilt and pure sorrow ate at him. He was angry all the time and started lashing out in so many ways: punching things, writing on the walls, failing school and overall losing all desire to be successful. He was having nightmares and couldn't sleep at night, which caused falling asleep in class. His teachers were getting frustrated and his write ups were stacking up.

He had been going to counseling for the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) he was diagnosed with but nothing seemed to help. I was losing my little boy right before my eyes and I had no real idea how to get him back. As his mom, I knew I had to do something but how do I help a young boy that has all the pain and sorrow I do and not being sure how to process it myself? I just knew I had to help my little man learn to grieve but, more than that, I needed my little boy back.

I reached out for every bit of help I could find. We met with a couple of therapists and he was diagnosed with depression. I had to make the terrifying decision to try an anti-depressant. Luckily, the first one we tried worked well and within weeks, I saw a little glimpse of my amazing son. After about a month, he came to me and said, “Mom, I feel like the old me.” And at that moment I knew I had done the right thing and I knew eventually we would be okay. Even with the antidepressants, he still couldn’t fall asleep or stay asleep and it was greatly affecting his performance at school and in sports. We decided to try Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy to help with the flash backs and nightmares. I was also using this therapy method. EMDR is a very interesting type of therapy (link below) and many, including myself, have a hard time believing it will work but after a few sessions he was telling me how it worked for him. Counseling, EMDR, antidepressants and sports saved my child.

With that combination, I started to see huge changes. He was sleeping through the night, was able talk about his Omi and share fun memories, and getting back to the kid I knew before his Omi died. Jasten is now a freshman in highschool, completely medicine free, a strong competitive wrestler and doing well in all aspects of life. He will tell you out of a very bad tragedy, very good things came. He wouldn't be who he is today if he wouldn't have gone through all that he did.

We honor his Omi often. Every year we attend the out of darkness walk, Nami ribbon tying ceremony, and we send balloons with messages every holiday. We go on an annual fishing trip to our favorite spot to celebrate her on the anniversary of her death. She loved Hawaii and the last trip she went on, she sent tons of pictures of sea turtles on the beach. The sea turtle has become a symbol of remembrance and everywhere we go we bring home a sea turtle from our trip for her memory shelf. We hope to go to Hawaii soon and take some of her ashes with us to spread in a place where she found peace.

Alaska has the 2nd highest rate for suicide in the nation. There was an alarming number of 200 in 2015 alone. Each year the numbers keep growing. Please reach out for help if you are having suicidal thoughts and remember your life matters. If you have suffered a suicidal loss, there is help and support groups out there to help you as well.